AN OPEN LETTER TO JUSTIN TRUDEAU AND THE CANADIAN PEOPLE

Exalted Highness and Prime Minister of the Canadian Trotskyist People’s Republic, Justin Pierre James Trudeau.

Dear Justin,

I am writing this letter to show my appreciation for your most recent effort at promoting world peace and harmony. I am of course referring to the honoring of the National Socialist Waffen SS freedom fighter Yaroslav Hunka by your Supreme People’s Parliament.

I know you have suffered criticisms for this bold step, but I assure you that all those despicable detractors were Russian propagandists – and a few of their reactionary and Stalinist puppets. They will not be a problem for you much longer, Mr. Prime Minister. I can assure you of that.

I can also assure you that I understand your heavy burden. Being a visionary of your caliber carries the inherent consequence of being either misunderstood by lesser men, or not understood at all. I understand the frustration this brings, but rest assured, your time of exaltation will come!

To fully describe the momentousness of your accomplishment, I must go back in time, to days of strife and defeats. It is distressing, I know, but only the stark contrast brought by defeats of the past can truly illuminate your accomplishments in the present.

I take you back to the beginning of your Movement for Social Justice, and the Bolshevik Canadian State you created, to exalted Leon Trotsky himself, and the great victory over the reactionary Czar and the evil Russian Empire. Those were heady days as your forebears instituted progressive policies, such as the breakup of the obsolete family unit and the cleansing of the Slavs from the eastern lands. But it didn’t last. Your august progenitors were betrayed by the cursed Josef Stalin, with many of them meeting their ignoble fate in the deepest dungeon of Lubyanka prison, shot in the back of the head by Stalin’s henchman Vasily Blokhin. Your ideological messiah, Leon Trotsky himself, suffered no less ignoble fate, being hacked to death with an ice axe in a Mexican whorehouse. I sincerely hope, for your sake, that history won’t repeat itself – but do not worry because it rarely does.

I must also take you back to the departed comrades of your honored National Socialist, Yaroslav Hunka. From their strongholds in Germania and Galicia, under the leadership of the Führer himself, those valorous freedom fighters took on the mantle of Trotsky, and again sought the subjugation of the Russian hordes. But again, a defeat! And by whose hand the defeat? By Stalin’s again! May his name be cursed for eternity!

So you see Mr. Prime Minister, you and your progenitors have much in common with Hunka and his departed comrades. A common purpose of justice and democracy, a common purpose of bringing order to chaos, and a common purpose of finding a final solution to the Russian problem. It is only natural to formalize this common purpose in the hall of the Canadian People’s Parliament with you and Mr. Hunka symbolizing this union of ideologies.

I saw it! It was beautiful, like a marriage in late spring! Do not let anyone tell you otherwise Mr. Prime Minister. While most will not understand the significance of this union, I certainly do!

I know how much work this has been and how hard it must have been. I saw it begin all the way back in 2014 in Ukraine when the Trotskyist and the National Socialists finally united in a crusade against the common Russian enemy. But that was only the beginning of the glorious path we are on. Now, you have brought it full circle by formalizing this union before the world.

I understand that one of your commissars, Chrystia Freeland, has been instrumental in accomplishing this. I also understand she had help from the American matriarch, Victoria Nuland. You must be proud that all this was accomplished by two women – under your firm guidance of course. This is an important achievement for women everywhere, because nothing is more empowering for women than engineering war and genocide! Send my best wishes to them both and tell them that nothing exceeds their beauty, except perhaps their spirit of humanity and justice!

I am confident that this time you will succeed against the Russian hordes, and their modern Stalin. Together you are strong, and what could stand in the way of Trotsky and Hitler united – with your own hand on the steering wheel? Nothing, I say!

I extend my most sincere congratulations to you and to the Canadian People. My only wish is that every one of your subjects sees this letter so they can fully appreciate the magnitude of what you have done. This accomplishment needs to be appreciated by all!

Before I end this letter – I understand you had an uprising by your kulaks recently. I also understand you brought this uprising down promptly by threatening them with starvation. I must congratulate you on your sense of Trotskyist tradition. Starvation has always been the Trotskyist solution for getting rid of troublesome kulaks. Now you don’t even need to send troops to take away their food – you just close their bank accounts! That is progress!

Again, my most sincere congratulations!

Your greatest admirer,

Gaius Baltar